After a few months traveling worldwide, I’ve experienced first-hand how incredibly important it is to be a “social detective.” Whenever I arrive in a new city, I’ve learned to observe my surroundings, not only to stay safe but also to figure out the hidden rules of the unfamiliar environment. At night, I often have dinner with other travelers, and we discuss the cultural customs and behaviors we’ve seen, sharing opinions about which behaviors seem strange to us based on where we come from. As a social cognitive therapist, I quickly realized that we were engaging in the same process of social observation that we teach our students!

Whether on weekend getaways or longer international destinations, traveling is a great time to practice being a Social Detective. Visiting new and unfamiliar places provides countless opportunities for everyone to improve their social observation smarts. The hidden rules of change based on time, place, situation, and culture. To figure this out in any environment and situation, we have to think with our eyes to gather clues and use our social observation smarts.

BUT...why do we have to practice our social thinking when we're on vacation? We're supposed to be relaxing!

• Using our social brain is something we do all day every day. It’s important for children to understand that it’s not a “skill” we turn on/turn off but something we all do all the time! By navigating social situations on vacation, you are already using social thinking. The idea behind this article is to help parents recognize how and when they use their Social Detective smarts and strategies and to share that thinking process with the rest of the family. Why not kill two birds with one stone—have a great vacation and increase social awareness smarts at the same time!

• Social observation can be a family activity. Working together builds a sense of collaboration in figuring out the hidden rules together and is a skill EVERYONE uses.

• Traveling can provide loads of fun and safe opportunities to practice being a Social Detective! All travelers are in the same boat, making social faux pas as they try to figure out the hidden rules of their new environment. Most locals will be forgiving because travelers usually don’t know or follow all the culture’s social expectations. As such, it is a great opportunity to practice social observation without the pressure of being expected to already know all the hidden rules!

So…let’s get started!

We’ve developed a few activities to help you get into the groove of talking about social observation with children and other family members. These activities build awareness and provide practice opportunities to learn core social observation skills, such as “think with your eyes to gather clues” and “being a Social Detective.” The idea is to show children the process you use to navigate new social situations and stimulate some interesting discussions around social behavior.

While going through these exercises, keep in mind that age or academic smarts don’t necessarily equate with social smarts. You can decide as a family which activities make sense for you. Individuals with social learning differences, difficulties, or disabilities may need more direct help and explicit explanations, frequent prompts and reminders, and take longer to grasp the idea of being a Social Detective.

First, let’s review some basic Social Thinking Vocabulary language you’ll be using in these activities.

• Social smarts: The type of “smarts” in our brains we use whenever we are around other people. Our social smarts help us figure out our own and others’ thoughts, feelings, and what their words and actions mean. (School smarts are the kind of smarts that help us with math or reading or writing.)

• Thinking with your eyes (NOTE: This is not about eye contact!): Our eyes gather clues about what other people may be thinking about or are planning to do next. When we think with our eyes, we use our eyes (and ears and brain) to figure out what’s going on in the situation.

• Hidden rules: These are the “unspoken” or “unwritten” social rules that often are not routinely discussed aloud. We are illuminating their importance by naming them “hidden rules.”

• Social Detective: Every one of us is a Social Detective (social observer) when we use our eyes, ears, and brain to figure out what’s going on in a situation, what others may be thinking or feeling, or what they are planning to do next.

• Smart guess: A smart guess means the same thing as an educated guess; however, the term “smart guess” can be used with young children to help them learn that they should take what they know, see, hear, and/or feel and make a guess.

EXERCISE 1: Take turns sharing observations about the situation and what is going on.

Before entering a new situation, stand to the side for a few minutes to observe and then discuss what you see. You can start by reading the explicitly written rules on posted signs and discuss how things are organized in space. Then, you can observe what people are doing. This is how you start being a Social Detective!

For this exercise, there is no need to talk about hidden rules. This is simply a chance for everyone in the family to share what they notice about the situation, what they see people doing, and what they hear people talking about.

Sample Situation: AIRPORT

Adult: Wow, this airport is really crowded! I see a bunch of people moving over to the right next to the exit sign, maybe they’re ready to leave the airport. Where else do you see people going?

Child: There’s also a group of people heading over to the left. They might be going to the bookstore to get some magazines and snacks before their flight.

Adult: I also noticed people standing by that board. I bet they’re trying to figure out which gate to go to. Which way should we go to use the restroom?

Sample Situation: RESTAURANT

Adult: This restaurant is hectic! There seems to be crowds of people everywhere and I can’t quite tell what you’re supposed to do here. What do you see?

Teen: Most people are just going to the counter. I guess they order there. They aren’t waiting in line.

Adult: But can you tell where they pay? I see money on the tables too.

Teen: Looks like they’re handing money to the person at the counter, so I guess the money is tip. I guess we tip in this country.

EXERCISE 2: I Spy: Tourists vs. Locals

This is a fun activity to discuss the hidden rules around being a tourist. This also incorporates making smart guesses, as everyone will put the clues together to guess whether the person is a tourist or a local. By the way, it’s also fun to talk about how locals might figure out you are a tourist too. Also, there is no need to reach a consensus; the purpose of this exercise is to practice social observation (in stealth mode) and then share clues to make a smart guess.

Adult: I think he’s a tourist because he’s taking so many photos.

Teen: Nah, he’s a local because he’s speaking the language fluently. He knows too many people.

Adult: Ok - that’s true and good observations. Could be tourist or a local.

HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS:

Here are some general tips to keep in mind about being a Social Detective or Social Spy.

Tip 1: Acknowledge everyone’s input. Try to be neutral in your observations and just describe what you see. You and your child, or other family members, might see the same situation in a different way. That’s a good example of perspective taking or seeing that we all may experience the same situation differently.

Tip 2: Be subtle – practice quiet voices, taking notes, and avoid pointing. Instead of pointing, use language to describe what you’re looking at or use a note app on your phone or text one another if with tweens/teens. For younger kids, you can talk about how detectives are like spies and need to be subtle when they collect clues!

Tip 3: Use photos. If it’s difficult for your child to make social observations in real time, you might also consider taking pictures throughout the day and then doing these exercises after the situation has ended. Using the camera on a smartphone or a digital camera gives you quick access to the photos you’ve taken.

You may be pleasantly surprised to see what your child or teen is noticing during these discussions. It’s a great opportunity to get insight into how your child sees the world, which is crucial to filling in the gaps in their social observations. Individuals with social learning differences and/or challenges are often told that their social observations are “wrong,” so they may initially be hesitant to share what they’re thinking. But once they start to open up, it is often fascinating to see the things they notice, and you will probably learn from them as well!

Remember: The goal of these exercises is to increase social awareness, not to push for or expect behavior change. That is usually and not really the point. Teaching about social thinking (thinking socially) is a slow and deep learning process, and building social awareness is one of the first steps to long-term behavior change. Use the following questions to help guide your observations.

Being a Social Detective Means Looking for Clues!

The following list of general questions is intended as a guide, to use to stimulate discussions as you start exploring social observation with your child or teen. Be sure to add in others that are relevant to the situation you are observing. You do not need to go through the list question by question! It is better to follow the interest level of the group and the flow of the conversation. For example, if everyone is curious about the dress code, you can spend the entire discussion talking about appearance.

Exercise 1: Questions to stimulate discussions about social observations

• Are there signs posted (e.g., stop sign, numbered queues)?

• Do you see any boards with rules, guidelines, or tips?
  

Personal Space

• Are people very close together or far apart?

• Can you figure out, based on how people are moving, if they are going anywhere specific (e.g., to a car, a crosswalk, a restaurant, a store)?

• Are people avoiding certain areas?

Appearance

• What are people wearing? Do they look casual or dressed up?

• Are people dressed to blend into the public or stand out as unique?

What People Do and Say

• How are people greeting each other (e.g., shake hands, hug, kiss on the cheek)?

• Do people look friendly and approachable? Bored? Serious?

• Are people talking to each other or is everyone using their phones?

• When they bump into each other, do they move to the right or left? Do you think they are saying “excuse me” in their own language?

• Are people using loud or quiet voices when talking?

• How do people get each other’s attention (e.g., yelling their name, tapping them on the shoulder)?

• Are people bargaining for goods at the market?
  

Exercise 2: Making smart guesses about locals versus tourists

• Are people wearing day packs or pulling luggage?

• What do tourists say and do that make them seem different from the locals?

• Are people looking at maps?

• Are people taking pictures/selfies?

• Do people look amazed/excited or confused about their surroundings?

• What language are people speaking and how loudly are they talking?
  

Janie Lai is a social cognitive therapist who worked at the Social Thinking-Steven’s Creek clinic in San Jose, CA. She took time off to travel and see social thinking in action around the world. Since authoring this article, Janie went on to earn a doctorate in clinical psychology (https://www.drjanielai.com/)